Today is a public holiday.
I had been looking forward to this long holiday for a long time, just so I can start packing the house.
Due to unforeseen reasons, I only managed to start packing on the third day of our ‘long’ 4 days public holiday.
In the past when I was single and staying with my parents, I guess the long weekend will be my gathering day. Or I may simply slack at home and sleep till later afternoon every day. With an attention-seeking child, an OCD hubby, and my own house, it just means more packing.
My bad for waking up late, and making time slipping through my fingers. I did a bit of packing before we had our super later breakfast… then another short round of packing. We then proceed to have our late lunch before we landed at my parents’ house to fetch Kpo Kia. She was enjoying the unrestricted life at my parents’ house – endless sugary food, endless videos, and of course, the accompany of little E and her favourite 舅母.
By the time we reached home, it was quite late. I had yet to defrost the pork, washed the vegetable, and cook the rice. Luckily for me, Kpo Kia fell asleep on the way home, so I get to have some peace while preparing dinner. Unfortunately for me, she refused to wake up during dinner. Kpo Kia papa told me he will prepare something for Kpo Kia shall she wake up, thus I leave her alone.
I wanted to take a break but Kpo Kia papa hinted to me that the living room is in a mess, and I shall probably clean them up before I rest.
Mummy is always angry
Just when I was feeling tired and frustrated. Kpo Kia woke up and told me her papa asked her to find me for food. She then asked for cereal, but after I prepared it for her, she whined again. It’s then I realized the papa had hinted to her to find me for “Koko Krunch® cereal”. I snapped and let her papa take over her ‘dinner’. Soon, I overheard Kpo Kia comment… “Mummy is always angry…”
To be frank, I was upset, it seems like I gave up my life and everything for her, but she never feel appreciated toward me. There had been multiple career opportunities for me these few years, but I gave up as they usually required me to travel or work overtime.
Anyway, I quickly tidy up the stuff, put aside the rest, went into my room, and start calming myself down. Perhaps I had been undergoing a lot of stress these days. The ‘reward’ I had received is not in proportion to the effort I put in. Perhaps I had been too hard on myself. Perhaps I should just ignore the judgment placed on me.
After a while, I went into Kpo Kia’s room and find her still awoke. We hugged each other and I started to tell her self makeup story to make her sleep. As she fell asleep, holding on to my arm, I know she still loves me.
Mummy don’t want to be angry
Perhaps I shouldn’t put too much pressure on myself. I know living as a daughter in a traditional Asian family, I am ‘never good enough for anything’.
But I shouldn’t let my past define me.
Now a mother, and having a family of my own, I should be more confident and say ‘No’ whenever I need a break.
I hope soon, she will no longer find her mummy to be always “angry”.